Feeling Witty? These 150 Sarcastic Quotes Ensure You Always Have a Comeback
Hilarious Sarcastic Quotes
they say mockery shows a shortcoming, however, who gives a poo their opinion?! While some may feel that mockery is a tricky slant, others accept that mockery is really an indication of insight. All things considered, it was Oscar Wilde who expressed, "Mockery is the most reduced type of mind yet the most elevated type of insight."
Could it be any more obvious? We snide individuals, we're freakin' brilliant! All joking aside, however, there's even some logical legitimacy to such cases. One investigation from 2015, covered by Scientific American, discovered that mockery can really expand the innovativeness stream. Consider everything: Sarcasm doesn't appear unexpectedly. You must be quite shrewd and smart to prepare a wry remark on the spot. Some mockery is innovativeness. It may even start innovativeness otherly, as well!
Proceed cautiously, however—on the opposite finish of the range, numerous specialists caution that mockery could fundamentally impede connections. Thus, while utilizing our mocking muscles might be useful for our future innovative ventures and IQs, an excess of mockery could discover you in the perilous regions with your friends and family.
Willing to face the challenge? Here are 200 of the best mocking statements and expressions.
200 Sarcastic Quotes
1. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
2. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”
3. “Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”
4. “I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
5. “Find your patience before I lose mine.”
6. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
7. “Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.” Robin Williams, Actor
8. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” Steven Wright
9. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”
10. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
11. “I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”
12. “Life’s good, you should get one.”
13. “Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”
14. “I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”
15. “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
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16. “I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”
17. “No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”
18. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”
19. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”
20. “You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.” Robin Williams, Actor
21. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
22. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”
23. “Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”
24. “If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
25. “People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”
26. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
27. “Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”
28. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
29. “My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”
30. “Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”
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31. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” Ashleigh Brilliant
32. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
33. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” Robin Williams, Actor
34. “My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”
35. “I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.”
36. “When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.'”
37. “Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.”
38. “The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.”
39. “Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”
40. “Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.”
41. “I’ve birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop.”
42. “Right before I die I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.”
43. ““If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”
44. “Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.”
45. “Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once.”
46. “How much better would it be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire?”
47. “What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.”
48. “You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”
49. “Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%.”
50. “I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I go normal from time to time.”
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51. “I don’t keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business.”
52. “Be the reason someone smiles today… Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works.”
53. “I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar.”
54. “Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”
55. “I’ll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first.”
56. “Lead me not into temptation. I know the way.”
57. “Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord.”
58. “Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”
59. “Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
60. “My silence doesn’t mean I agree with you. It’s just that your level of ignorance has rendered me speechless.”
61. “You’re everything I want in someone I don’t want anymore.”
62. “If they act like they can live without you… Help them do it.”
63. “Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”
64. “Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog.”
65. “Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”
66. “You play the victim. I’ll play the disinterested bystander.”
67. “Never mistake my silence for weakness. Nobody plans a murder out loud.”
68. “My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not.”
69. “Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.”
70. “I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”
71. “I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”
72. “I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently ‘a way out’ wasn’t the right answer.”
73. “Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”
74. “Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”
75. “My boss said I intimidate my co-workers. I stared at him until he apologized.”
76. “Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.”
77. “It’s amazing how clean my house can get when I’m pissed off.”
78. “Instead of ‘single’ as a marital status they should have ‘independently owned and operated.'”
79. “I don’t fall asleep. I overthink myself into a coma.”
80. “If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”
81. “Instead of ‘have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.”
82. “My favorite party trick is not going.”
83. “The older I get the less surprised I think I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.”
84. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
85. “Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!” Groucho Marx
86. “Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I’d be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.”
87. “Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”
88. “People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.”
89. “So many people worry about their physical appearance and material possessions, that they completely disregard their crappy personality.”
90. “Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”
91. “Some people really suck. Avoid them.”
92. “Sorry… to have met you.”
93. “If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on this planet.”
94. “Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them.”
95. “My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”
96. “My circle is so small, I almost cut myself off.”
97. “There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.”
98. “During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.”
99. “You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally.”
100. “Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.” Cecilia Egan
101. “I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my key, pen, cell phone, temper, and even my mind.”
102. “Yeah, I’m a pacifist. I’m about to pass a fist across your face.”
103. “If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”
104. “Autocorrect still thinks I want to say ‘duck’ 12 times a day.”
105. “If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”
106. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” Joan Crawford
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107. “Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it.” Gene Perret
108. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”Groucho Marx
109. “I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.” Oscar Wilde
110. “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” Sacha Guitry
111. “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”
112. “There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.” Will Rogers
113. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” Erma Bombeck
114. “This is what happened in love. One of you cried a lot and then both of you grew sarcastic.” Lorrie Moore
115. “Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.” Steven Wright
116. “I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic.” Sarah Rees Brennan
117. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” P. J. O’Rourke
118. “If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!”
119. “I don’t know how people can fake whole relationships. I can’t even fake a hello to somebody I don’t like.”
120. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” Groucho Marx
121. “The whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.”
122. “I became insane with long periods intervals of horrible sanity.” Edgar Allen Poe, Writer
123. “I either have my hair and makeup done or look homeless. There is no in between.”
124. “Didn’t sleep much but I did get a solid few hours of worrying done.”
125. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”Henny Youngman
126. “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.” Max Kauffmann
127. “No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.”
128. “Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning.”
129. “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”
130. “You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!” Anonymous
131. “You suck. You should fix that.”
132. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” Natalie Wood, Actress
133. “Sweating while you shop counts as exercise.”
134. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Groucho Marx
135. “My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.”
136. “Understimate me. That will be fun.”
137. “If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question.”
138. “I love being me. It pisses off all the right people.”
139. “When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in peoples’ eyes.”
140. “If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.” Lawrence Ferlinghetti
141. “Apparently rock bottom has a basement.”
142. “Someday, you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.”
143. “Marriage is a bliss for people who aren’t in it.”
145. “I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in case of a cheesecake or something.”
146. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
147. “I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I’m asleep.”
148. “My alone time is sometimes for your safety.”
149. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”
150. “It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.”
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